I'm a Sissy Pansy Baby

I've been avoiding writing a blog post for two months. I was originally going to write about feminism and my feelings on female social issues as a gamer who likes makeup and t-shirts and cookies as far as the eye can see. Unfortunately I'm not just a lazy procrastinator; I'm a lazy procrastinator who has more fears than she can count. My most extreme fear is that of failure. Original, I know.

So since my last post I've been cowering in my filthy home, afraid to put myself out there. Writing is very personal for me; it's like cutting off a tiny portion of my soul to share. What's worse is that I'm sharing it on the internet which might as well be a pit of angry trolls that feast on grammatical errors and insecurities. I could easily avoid it. I don't need to show anyone anything I've created but I know I would be disappointed in myself if I didn't push my (extremely strict and grumpy) boundaries.
So! Assuming that anyone reads this, feel free to give me things to write about! It's easier to write about whatever you want but I'm not looking for easy. Except when it comes to my women! I'm really scraping the bottom of the comedy barrel and I don't regret it.

I'm terrified and growing increasingly neurotic but I think I enjoy writing. To hopefully ensure that I keep writing I'm going to set a goal: I'm going to write at least one post every week, solid topic or not. I hope you'll join me on my terror-filled journey.

-Kat

Also! My gamer tag whenever possible will be GenghisKhat and hopefully you'll be seeing some YouTube videos put out under that name. That's also my name on Twitter so feel free to follow me like a loving stalker.

Old People and Anxiety

So clearly working with kids for extended periods of time isn't my thing. I didn't know I didn't like them. The more you know. So while I continue working (and killing my soul slowly) I've been looking for another job in, Flying Spaghetti Monster-willing, another field. My ultimate goal is to learn programming and graphic design and find a job doing just that. But until I can afford to go to school while working, I must rummage through the available jobs bin. I've been looking into working with seniors because old people are allowed to be mean and forget things and I think they're funny. If anyone knows if it's better/more pleasant working at a facility or working for a company that does in-home care, do share. Because I'm all kinds of lost. No experience is the best experience, kids.

Old folks aside, I'm not doing so hot. I'm lukewarm at best these days. Why? Excuse me, that's a private matter. Mind ya own bidness!
But almost seriously, I think I have a little extra crazy in my brain that doesn't need to be there. And anxiety. Mostly anxiety. So even if I had a shrink to talk to I wouldn't want to just talk about it and I think all of that positive thinking crap is crap. It's also crap. So until I do see someone I'll just have to self medicate with chocolate. Diabetes don't scare me!

May all of your arteries clog with love
-Kat but also Ixi

Ps. Also maybe some meds for my apparent multiple personality disorder...

No Direction

I was going to keep writing about my general timeline and while there's not much left to tell, I want to do something else. I'll keep my first two posts because I can but I'd rather start talking about things that are happening now. Such as my renewed hatred of poor parenting and thus, most children.

I'm a nanny. I take care of a boy and a girl ages 7 and 8 respectively. I'll refer to them as Boy and Girl because I couldn't think of clever fake names for them. I don't like them. I don't like them at all. They are some of the worst, most annoying children I've ever dealt with. I would really prefer if they were at fault for their crappy behavior because that would mean that it wasn't caused by two adults who don't know how to logic. For example, these kids don't really get punished. I think I'm the strictest person in their lives. If you're an idiot and you're asking yourself why kids need (and I do mean need) to be punished then let me explain. If kids don't understand what consequences are, they turn into adults who don't know what consequences are. I don't think I need to explain why that's a problem. I'm sure you know plenty of people who only start thinking once they've royally screwed themselves over. If you don't know at least one then you are that person. Mazel tov. You suck.

Here's an example of Boy and Girl being idiots AND being rude as hell for one low price! They made a mess in the garage which I told them to clean up. There was water on the floor and they decided to, rather than use a disposable item of sorts (or god forbid ask me what to use), get out a heap of towels from the laundry room and soak up the water. I caught them in the middle of it and asked them to stop using towels. But no! Right in front of me the girl tosses more towels onto the mess.
I started getting angry and decided to remove myself from the room after asking them to put the remaining clean towels away. Rather than doing that relatively easy task, they started throwing the towels around the room. You can imagine I wasn't too pleased about this. So I'm standing there yelling at them as nicely (I tried) as I could and Girl started giggling. Ohhhh boy...

I rarely want to hurt another human being, especially one so small and defenseless. But in that moment I wanted to at least push her into a pit of lava. I have self control and no access to lava so she was sent to her room as was her brother.

I hate them.

I've never hated a child before. It's exhausting.

Just typing this out has me all riled up again so I'll stop there. Does anyone have any suggestion? Keeping in mind that they pull this type of crap daily do you think I'm over reacting? It's getting increasingly difficult to look at this situation objectively :/

Love and frustration,
Kat

TEACH YOUR SPAWN TO THINK. Please. Or I hate you, too.

So College, Right?

NOTE: This post contains naughty words that I felt were necessary to describe my mindset at the time. I usually like expressing emotions in a more sophisticated manner but shut up, it's my blog.

I cannot fully express how different my life would be if I had stayed in college. That said, let's start at the beginning rather than the end.

I'm half Mexican (or whatever stupid, politically correct term you'd like to use) and did really well on my ACT so I got a few scholarship offers from various universities. While I should have picked a school I truly wanted to go to (one of those expensive, silly, private schools in the oh so cool northwest), I couldn't pass up a nearly full-ride scholarship from a school in Arizona that shall remain unnamed. So there I was in Arizona in the summer of 2011. The summer. In Arizona. Have I mentioned that I make fabulous life choices? It took me a while to realize that I'd made a mistake by going there but when I did, everything got shitty very quickly.

Like I wrote in my last post, I'm a really shy person. I don't just stutter and avoid eye contact when dealing with people; I turn an unhealthy shade of red, mumble so badly that no one can tell what I'm saying, and do my best to avoid every single human being that I can afford to. The only people I talked to on a regular basis were a really nice janitor and the people serving food at the small student union across the street*. Here was my basic schedule:

Any time from 8-10:30 : Get a bagel across the street
11-3ish maybe : Go to class
3:30 : Weird late lunch
4-2am : Maybe do homework and definitely avoid everyone.

Like most awkward teens/barely adults that can't deal with real life, I took to the internet. So began the demise of my mental health and thus my grades.

I'm not particularly brilliant but I always did well in school. But rather than notice that I wasn't doing well and work hard to fix it, I broke down and gave up. (Keep in mind that this is the cautionary tale. Don't be like this. Bad. Don't.) I didn't understand concepts in class and I was afraid to talking to the teachers so my grades kept slipping and I eventually stopped going to my biology class. I rarely left my room and I was absolutely miserable.

I'll continue/finish this pity party next post. I'm thinking about adding crappy drawings or something to my posts. I'm sure most people don't want to read long posts about sad sacks but once I get these out of the way I'll talk about fun things and feels-y things and if I ever get a solid reader base I'll answer questions in a comical manner! I can be funny, I swear. I just like talking about myself.

Love and cookies, Ixi

*I don't care what anyone says, that food was GREAT. And I felt like I was cheating because it was all on my meal plan. I frequently ordered cheeseburgers with pepper jack cheese and fries. Greasy, greasy fries.

Let me tell you my life story

I'm an introvert but I really like talking about myself and I wanted to start a project. Thus, this blog. I want to write about how I got to the strange place I've found myself (with the strange human I've claimed as a life mate) and maybe through my writing I'll figure out where I want to be.

I had a pretty typical childhood in a suburb in Colorado. Went to school, played sports, listened to Mom and Dad, and had everything I needed. I was never very feminine so I struggled to stay on the same page as my female friends. It got to the point that I was practically afraid of boys even though all I wanted to do was play football and spit.

So there's my preteen self, all self-repressed and painfully shy. Through some wondrous coincidence I ended up in a casual friendship with hardcore anime fans. These people scared me because they were so open but I  was dying to get a bit of their abrasiveness to rub off on me. Before I could stop being so agoraphobic, I started high school with a herd of preppy teenagers. Now don't get me wrong, they were (mostly) genuinely nice people. They just have a set of morals/priorities that I don't vibe with. Just like my elementary self, I tried to blend in and quickly realized that I wanted something else. I chose instead to break into a very different crowd; theater kids.

If you've ever spent any amount of time with these mutants, you know that they're all insane. They form little cliques just like everyone else but they're ultimately the most understanding and accepting people you'll ever meet. My time with them was short but fulfilling and other than a bass-playing English teacher, they're the only real friends I have. Now don't run away just yet; this isn't a pity party. It's a priority party. As every sitcom ever has told us time after time, it's more important to be happy than hang out with the cool kids. They go get wasted every weekend anyways. It's gross.

This is a pretty long post already so I'll stop for now and save my short college experience for next time. Hint: It goes very poorly.

-Kat/Ixi